Content=Real Estate including Apartment Rentals Britishguyhomes Kingston Ontario homes and apartments for rent

  
A little Sample of My British Humor
  

Opening a New Office

A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the foyer. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Our Landlord
 A group of tourists were on a guided tour of an ancient castle in Europe  The Guide told them this place is over 600 years old and not a stone in it has been touched nothing has been altered and nothing has been replaced in all those years
One of the tourists  commented  “They must have the same landlord I have”.
  

Congratulations on your new home

After a new home sale the agent thought he would send flowers as a closing Gift.

They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".


Ever had problems with telemarketers?
Here are my top 10 tips on dealing with them!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"


2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.



4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"

7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you< calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)



Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.

  • I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  • This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
  • The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
  •  I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  • Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  • Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
  • I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  • I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
  • The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  • The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  • Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
  • Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
  • Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
  • Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
  • I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
  • Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
  • When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.


English Sayings A-Z (British Slang)



All the world and his wife = a large number of people

All right? = How are you?

A load of old cobblers = A load of lies (i.e. what a load of old cobblers!)

And pigs might fly! = Yeah right!

Argy-bargy = Heated Argument

Anyroad = Anyway

All mouth and no trousers = Boastful and without just reason

Agro = Hassle/trouble

Adam & Eve = Believe - Cockney Ryming Slang (as in would you Adam & Eve it?!?)

Apples & Pears = Stairs - Cockney Ryming Slang (up the apples and pears)

A- Z = A guide, usually a road map/atlas



Boat race = Face - Cockney Ryming Slang (as in ugly boat)

Brown Bread = Dead - Cockney Ryming Slang

Butchers Hook = Look (as in take a butcher's at that!)

Bob's your uncle = There you go - that's all there is to it - sorted!

Back of Beyond = Middle of Nowhere

Bobby-dazzler = A amazing thing or person.

Brassed off = Fed up (i.e. I'm brassed off)

Blabbermouth = A person who reveals too much in conversation, a gossip.

Birdbrain = Stupid, lacking commonsense.

By eck! = An exclamation of suprise

Barney = An arguement.

Banger = Sausage, or an old car

Bit of alright = An attractive person. (i.e. She's a bit of alright!)

Bog = Toilet

Barmy = Gone mad! (i.e. you're barmy!)

Bag = thing, or old woman

Belt up! = Shut up!

Berk = Fool (you berk!)

Bird = One's girlfriend (not very politically correct)

Bubble & Squeak = Potato and Cabbage Dish

Busker = Street Performer

Butty = Sandwich

Bloke = A guy

Bugger = An insult (means sodomy)

Bairn = Scottish for Baby

Bender = a drinking session, or a homosexual depending on the context

Bill = the total amount for something (a check in the US)

Blower = Telephone

Blimey! = from 'cor blimey', an exclamation of suprise

Bevvies = Lager

Brass = Money

Button it! = Shut up!

Belly = Stomach

Bull in a china shop = Someone who acts before they think, without tact (i.e. you just barged in like a bull in a china shop



Cheesed off = Fed up!

Cake'ole = mouth (cake hole i.e. shut your cake 'ole)

Cacky = Dirty, rubbishy

Chew the fat = To chat.

Chuck it down = To rain, often heavily. (i.e. it's going to chuck it down)

Clever cloggs = very clever! (sarcastically)

Cock = same as tackle

Cock up = a mistake (nothing to do with 'cock')

Clapped out = Worn out, usually applied to machinery (i.e. that car's just a clapped out heap of junk)

Caper = Some kind of unsuccessful activity (i.e. that was a right caper)

Cloth-ears = Someone who doesn't pay attention to imparted information.

Chuffed = Pleased

Cheeky monkey = A light-hearted name for a verbally impertinent person

Choke your chicken = see Yank your plank

Crikey = another exclamation of suprise

Cor Blimey = an exclamation of suprise

Cob = To throw. Northern expression

Clock = to recognise (I clocked him, or I clocked his game - I knew what he was up to)

Codswallop = Baloney/Rubbish! (i.e. what a load of codswallop!)

Come a cropper = To fail (i.e.you're gonna come a cropper if you carry on...)

Corporation pop = Water. Northern use.

Crap = Rubbish (means excreta)

Cuppa = Cup of Tea

Chop chop = Quick, quick!

Chick = same as bird

Cushy number = Something easy (i.e. you're job may be a cushy number)

Chubbychops = Jocular and affectionate term of address for a fat person

Chucky-egg = a boiled egg, or a pet name for partner, or young child

Crackers = Stupid

Creepy-crawly = An insect, spider, worm etc.

Cradle snatcher = person who dates or marries someone considerably younger than themselves.

Cream Crackered = Knackered - Cockney Ryming Slang (tired)



Dog & Bone = Telephone - Cockney Ryming Slang

Daft as a brush = Stupid (i.e. you're as daft as a brush)

Drive you round the bend/up the wall = to get frustrated

D.I.Y. = Do it yourself

Doddle = Easy Task (i.e. that's a doddle!)

Dodgy = Suspect (i.e. that seems a bit dodgy)

Doole Alley = Gone mad (i.e. he just went doole alley!)

Dab hand = A person highly skilled at a given task

Daft/Daft Apeth = Stupid (refering to someone i.e. you're a daft apeth!)

Dole = State benefit from being unemployed

Duck = friendly term used to refer to someone (i.e. hello, duck, what can I do for you?)

Done a bunk/runner = Disappeared, or someone on the run



Ey up = Hiya

Eyes are bigger than your belly = someone who thinks they can eat more than they can



Fanny's your aunt = same as Bob's your uncle!

Full of beans = Very lively and energetic (i.e. he's full of beans)

Fly off the handle = Lose ones cool

Flog = Sell (i.e. he's flogging some cheap videos)

Fog Horn = Insinuating that someone has a loud voice

Faggot = Homosexual

Fart = to pass wind

Fag = Ciggarette, not a homosexual

Film = Movie

Flaming Nora! = An exclamation of anger or surprise

For Goodness Sake! = a statement of frustration



Gas = fuel used for cooking or heating, not cars, thats petrol (gasoline)

Gas = to talk or gossip (i.e. she was on the phone gassing for hours!)

Give it some wellie! = Get some energy into it!

Get your kit off = Get undressed

Giving the elbow = Rejecting (i.e. I got the elbow, was given the elbow)

Get away! = I don't believe you!

Get your finger out = (...of your arse) get a move on, get going

Get your skates on! = get a move on, get going! Shift!

Get off with = Manage to attract, and date, a person of the opposite sex

Gaff = Home



Git = Prat

Gordon Bennett! = Bloody hell! You're kidding!

Gob = Mouth (i.e. shut your gob!)

Gander = Look (i.e. have a gander at that...)

Get your skates on! = Hurry up!

Gaffer = The boss

Geezer = Fella

Grub = Food

Graft = hard work

Greedy Guts = Refering to someone with a big appetite

Gearstick = shiftstick in the US



How's your father? = sex (eg: fancy a bit of 'how's your father'?)

Hollow legs = Refers to someone who could eat all day, and never fill up

Hold your horses! = Just hold on a minute!

Hammered = beaten up or drunk

Holiday = Vacation in the US

Hangover = Sickness from excess alcohol consumption



In Good Nick = In Good Condition

Init/Intit = Isn't it



Jacksie = the buttocks

Jimmy riddle = to pass water

Jennel = an alley

Jumper = sweater



Keep your pecker up = Try to remain cheerful even if times are difficult

Keep your hair on! = Calm down! or remain calm!

Knickers in a twist = To get frustrated (i.e. don't get your knickers in a twist!)

Knickers! = Get lost!

Kegs =Trousers (pants in the US)

Knockers = the breasts

Knocking shop = A brothel

Knocked up = Pregnant



Life of Riley = An easy life (i.e. he's got the life of Riley)

Lad = Boy

Lass = Girl

Lunchbox = A fellas 'tackle'

Lug 'ole = Ear (i.e. open your lug 'oles!)

Love bite = Hickies in the US

Losing your bottle = Losing your nerve

Lord Muck = The depreciatory name for a pompous conceited man, the female equivalent being Lady Muck



Misery-guts = A killjoy.

Moaning Minnie = A person who persistently grumbles

Monkey = One pound sterling (less well known)

Marlarky = Rubbish/Non-sense (i.e. ...and all that malarky)

Make a bob or two = to make some money

Mash = A brew (of tea)

Mate/Matey = a friend, nothing more



Naff = Worthless or Useless

Nesh = Cold

Not much cop = Not very good

Nick = to Steal, or a prison.

Nipper = child

Nowt = Nothing

Noggin = brains (i.e. use a bit of noggin)

Nathen = Now then.. (listen...)

Nathen, me old china/mucker = Now then, my old friend

Not a full shilling = Stupid (refering to an old 5p coin, pre-decimalisation)

Not wired up right = same as above! (i.e. he's not wired up right)

Nowt so queer as folk = There's nothing more strange than people



Order of the boot = to get lost (past tense, i.e. I gave him the order of the boot)

On your bike = Clear off/you must be joking

Old Bag = Ugly woman

Over the Moon = Delighted, Elated

Off one's rocker = Insane, crazy, mad

Off one's head = Insane, crazy, mad

Okay-dokay/Okay-doke = OK

Oh my giddy aunt! = A mild exclamation of surprise.

One for the road =. A final alcoholic drink before setting off on one's journey.

On one's tod = Alone

Over the Top (O.T.T.) = Carried Away (i.e. that was a bi O.T.T.)

Old Codger = old person.

Owt = Anything (i.e. owt like that 'ill do)

Once-over = An inspection, a quick look over something or someone. (i.e. I gave it the once over)



Popped your cloggs = died/dead (i.e. he popped his cloggs...)

Pipped at the post = Beaten at the last minute

Put wood in 'ole = Shut the door (put the wood in the hole)

Pants = underwear, not trousers

Peckish = Hungry

Polish off = to finnish (usually food, i.e. you polished that burger off quick!)

Pinch = Steal

Punter = A customer

Plastered = Drunk

Put paid to ... = Put an end to ...

Prat/Plonker= Idiot

Puff/pufter = Homosexual

Pork Pie = Lie - to tell a lie (i.e. are you telling porkies?)

Pen & Ink = Stink (as in it pen & inks in here!)

Putting your foot in it/in your mouth = Someone who speaks before they think (i.e. he's put his foot in it)



Quid = One pound sterling

Queer = Homosexual

Queer as a nine bob note = A phrase refering to someone as undoubtedly homosexual



Roasting = Telling off (i.e. I gave him a right roasting)

Rabbit/rattle (verb) = Talking a lot (i.e. women tend to rattle a heck of a lot)

Rollicking = A reprimand , a telling off

Run of the mill = Something which is ordinary

Reight = Right



Sound as a pound = Can't fault it! He's alright.

Sithee = I'll see you (goodbye)

Shenanigans = Unruly behaviour, mischievous antics

Spend a penny = Go to the toilet

Sweet Fanny Adams = Absolutely nothing!

Swings and roundabouts = Refers to a situation where positive and negatives balance

Sept = Except

Snog = Serious Kissing

Sods Law = Murphys Law

Scouser = Someone from Liverpool

Sleeping Policeman = Speed Bump

Sling you hook = Clear off! Get lost!

Straight up? = Are you joking?

Strop = Bad Mood (i.e. you're in a bit of a strop)

Stroppy = Argumentative

Shag = Sexual intercourse

Shift = move (i.e. shift it!) nothing to do with transmission, see gearstick

Slapper = a woman who is out to get herself a bloke, any bloke

Scallywag = Rascal

Summat = Something



Talent = An attractive person

Take-away = 'To go' in the US

Trap = same as cake'ole

The Full Monty = to take all one's clothes off or to go the whole way.

Thin on the ground = Scarce

Thingy/Thingymajig = You know...! (when you can't quite remember)

That 'ill cost a bom! = That will cost a fortune

Thick as two short planks = Stupid (i.e. he is as thick as two short planks!)

Thick as pudding = Stupid (i.e. refering to Yorkshire pudding)

That takes the biscuit = That's the last straw

Take the Micky (Mick/Michael) = again, to laugh at someone

Throw a wobbly = Get very angry

Tint 'ere = It isn't here

The old bill = The police

Toe wrag = Rascal

Totty = Women (i.e. thats a nice bit a totty!)

Tad = Little (i.e. it was a tad small)

Tripe = Rubbish! (i.e. thats a load of tripe! - Tripe is actually a cows stomach lining)

Twat = an idiot

Tart = same as slapper, but harsher, suggesting they sleep around

Toffee-nosed = Snobby

Tosser = a masturbater

Tea Leaf = Thief - Cockney Ryming Slang

Trouble & Strife = Wife - Cockney Ryming Slang



Umpteen = Many, a lot of (i.e. there was umpteen colours to choose from)

Under the weather = Out of sorts, not currently in good health

Up for it = Phrase encompassing the enthusiasm of a person for an event

Up road = nearby (could be serveral miles, i.e. the arena is just up road from our house)

Up one's street = something which is suited to a person (i.e. that club is right up your street)

Up the swanny = In a hopeless situation. Meaning the same as 'up the creek without a paddle'



Veggie = abbreviation of a vegetarian

Verbal diarrhoea = Incessant and aimless talk, someone may have 'verbal diarrhoea'



Wet your whistle = Have a drink

Works like a Trojan = Works very hard

What-not = same as Thingymajig

Waterworks = The act of crying (i.e. she turned on the waterworks)

Wonky = Unstable

Wally = friendly term for 'idiot'

Wufter = Homosexual

Wellingtons = wellington boots - rubber boots in Canada



Whatchamacallit? = What is that called, I can't remember?

Wanker = same as a tosser. This is often used in conjunction with a hand signal by motorists during instances of momentary road rage



If anyone can think of any X's, please let me know!



Yank = An American (though not common knowledge amongst Brits, this would be considered offensive to most Americans living in southern US states. 'Yank' or 'Yankee' should only be used when referring to those from the northern US states. To 'Yank' can also mean 'to snatch something fiercely' (i.e. he yanked it off me)

Yonks = Ages/For ever (i.e. it lasted for yonks)



Zilch = naught, nothing, Zero in Canada